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SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it’s worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she’s 18.

What’s the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
‘Are you sure it’s mine?’

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don’t have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What’s the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F… word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What’s the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins ‘Once upon a time…’
A southern fairytale begins ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shiit…’

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one’s tall enough to go on the good rides.

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For all of you who don’t know where Saskatchewan is - here is a map. Really this joke is for anybody who lives in the back-water hillbilly pig farmer areas.


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Recently, during a routine patrol, a RCMP patrolman parked down the street outside a Legion Hall just off the main Street at Estevan, Saskatchewan.

After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into.

He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish. A number of other patrons paid no attention to this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off.

Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and switched on the headlights.

He then pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over.

He performed a breathalyzer test on the gentleman who cooperated fully, and to his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, ‘I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to Headquarters. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it,” said the truly proud Saskie, “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”

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A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonald’s one cold winter evening.

They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.

Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking: “Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!”

The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.

The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.

There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.

He placed one half in front of his wife.

Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites.

Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were saying. - ” They were used to sharing everything .”

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn’t eaten a thing.

She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.

A young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal.

The lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.

After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, “Ma’am, why aren’t you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?”

She answered “THE TEETH”

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An older couple was driving on the freeway and a traffic cop pulled them over.The cop said to the guy, “Let me see your license.”

Well, the lady being slightly hard of hearing said, “WHAT DID HE SAY?”
“He said that he want to see my license” her husband replied.

The cop then explained, “I stopped you because you have a tail light burned out.”
Again, the lady screamed “WHAT DID HE SAY??”
And her husband told her, “He said that I had a light burned out.”

After looking at the man’s licence, the cop leaned into the car and said, “I see you’re from El Paso. You know, the worst sex that I ever had in my life was in El Paso.”
And once more the wife yelled, “WHAT DID HE SAY?”

To which her husband replied, “He says he thinks he knows you!”

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